Self Help 101: Values

By Paul Piotrowski on Mar 29, 2007 in Self Help 101

Today, I want to cover another basic but ultra important aspect of personal development; the processed of becoming aware of and consciously choosing your life values. Firstly, what exactly are life values? Our values are the states of being that we value. For example, if I asked you “Name one thing you value?”, you might say off the top of your head “My job.” So, would your job be one of your values? No. See, a job is just a means to an end. It isn’t really the job that you value, it’s what the job GIVES you that you value. So if I asked you “Why do you value your job?” you might say “Because it pays my bills and I like to contribute.” See right there are two hints towards your real values. Contribution is one value you have. What about paying bills? Well, that’s not a value yet, we can still dig deeper. “Why do you value being able to pay your bills?” - you might reply “Because it makes me feel secure!” That identifies your value right there, security.

So, essentially your two values we pulled out of your job there are SECURITY and CONTRIBUTION. You can go through the same process yourself, and ask yourself, what do you value? Then figure out if it’s just a means to an end, or if it’s a state of being? If it’s a state of being, then it’s probably one of your values. Here’s a brief list of values you might have. It’s just an example, so don’t worry if you don’t value some of these things or even none of them. Each person is unique, but here’s a brief list so you get an idea of what I’m talking about:

Values:

Honesty
Contribution
Security
Health
Vitality
Joy
Courage
Strength
Freedom
Tranquility

Do you see what I mean? These are not objects like cars, houses, or stock portfolio’s. They are states of being. These states of being form a hierarchical system which our brains use to make decisions. For example, lets just pick three values to work with for a second here to illustrate a point. Let’s say that we have an individual (A) who has these three values as their top three values:

Security
Intelligence
Comfort

Now contrast that with another individual (B) with these three top values:

Adventure
Freedom
Courage

Can you picture these two individuals in your head already? Who is more likely to go skydiving? Obviously individual B. Who’s more likely to invest in a bond or mutual fund, and who’s more likely to invest in a hi-tech stock? See how the things we value BEING affect who we are?

The importance of this is HUGE, yet very few people have an even vague idea of what their actual values are. Do you? How can you help yourself, how can you understand yourself if you don’t understand what you value? For example, lets say that your primary value is SUCCESS and #9 on the list is HONESTY. Your business partner’s primary value is HONESTY and his #12 one is SUCCESS. Can you see how telling a client a “white lie” may infuriate your business partner, but be totally OK with you?

It’s not only important to define and become aware of your values, but also to go through and organize them in order. Do you value HEALTH or SUCCESS more? Do you value INTELLIGENCE or SUCCESS more? It’s very important to know this stuff so you can become more aware of why you act certain ways. Chances are that you will have some similar values to your friends, and family members, but in a lot of cases the majority of your values will be different and even if they are the same they will most likely at least be in a different order.

Take the time to write out a list of your top 10 values in life and then figure out which ones you value higher than the others. It will help you understand yourself a lot more and it will help you make better decisions. By making decisions and living a life that’s congruent with your values, you will experience a much more fulfilling life than always struggling against them. If for example your number one value is ADVENTURE and FREEDOM, it might not be so surprising anymore why you don’t like signing a 5 year term for your mortgage or have trouble proposing to your girlfriend.

The other point I’ll add is that it’s beneficial to go through your values on a regular basis, like every 6 months to a year at minimum and see what’s changed. When you’re younger, FREEDOM and ADVENTURE might have been at the top of your list but maybe now you want to choose to put SUCCESS and SECURITY on your list instead of FREEDOM. Don’t get stuck in the way you used to be. When your values don’t serve you anymore, change them around. I remember when HEALTH was at the bottom of my list because I was young and already healthy no matter what I did. Now, it’s way up there on the list as I get older.

Here’s a list of 50 values as a starting point. It’s not complete, but it’s a good starting point if you’re not sure where to start:

Achievement
Advancement
Adventure
Affection
Amazement
Challenge
Change
Community
Competence
Competition
Cooperation
Creativity
Decisiveness
Democracy
Effectiveness
Efficiency
Ethics
Excellence
Excitement
Fame
Friendliness
Growth
Honesty
Independence
Influence
Integrity
Intelligence
Involvement
Knowledge
Leadership
Loyalty
Freedom
Faith
Power
Privacy
Purity
Purpose
Recognition
Responsibility
Security
Self-Respect
Serenity
Simplicity
Sophistication
Speed
Stability
Status
Truth
Wealth
Wisdom

Take the time to go through this. You might also want to sit down and do it with your spouse so that you can see what values they have. Maybe it will shed some light on some of their behaviour. Ladies, if your man’s #1 value is freedom don’t be surprised at the fact that he hasn’t proposed to you yet. If you can demonstrate to him that marriage = freedom instead of marriage = lack of freedom, you’ll have much more success than trying to change him to get rid of freedom as his #1 value. Men, if your #1 value is Variety, and you’re wondering why you can’t seem to maintain a relationship for longer than a week, it might be time to start looking at this more closely. Parents, your kids will mirror your values, so be careful. If honesty is #27 on your list and you lie to your spouse all the time, don’t be surprised if your kids lie to you. These are just little examples of how values play a role in your life. Figure out what yours are, and it will give you a MUCH greater sense of clarity of who you are and why you do things the way you do.

Have fun!