There is only really one true way for us to have fun and to be happy, and it really escapes most people. Have you ever set a goal to achieve something, to get something, to become something in the hopes that once you achieve/get/become that something you would be happy? Isn’t every goal in life, every achievement really just about happiness?
I used to think this way, and every goal setting session I would have it would be very clear to me that really every goal just ends in happiness. For example, you might set a goal to earn an extra $20,000 extra this year, but really that money is just a means to an end. What you’re really after is buying that car that you want and need the extra $20,000 to buy it, but even that is just a means to an end. Why do you want the car? So that you can feel happy, right?
If you set a goal to lose weight for example, the “why” behind the goal is that you’re ultimately looking for happiness. Almost any goal in life can be really classified as a means to and end in which the end is happiness.
What if I told you that this will never happen? What if I told you that no goal, no achievement, no accomplishment will ever make you happy? At least not for long.
This is something that I discovered after becoming really good at achieving goals. I would set a goal, achieve it, feel happy for a short while and then I wouldn’t be happy anymore. I would then go searching for a new goal, a new thing that would make me happy, and slowly I started to get a little concerned because I knew even when setting my goals that the happiness at the end of the goal would only last a short while and I would have to chase something new.
For example, you might have a goal to get a new car. You want the new car, because you think it will make you happy. Or maybe it’s a piece of jewelry or learning a new skill. Maybe it’s climbing Mount Everest, or becoming the vice president of a corporation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these goals but you need to realize that none of them are going to make you happy.
So then what will? Well, let me explain what I’ve discovered about happiness.
First of all, happiness is not a binary ON / OFF thing. There are different levels of happiness. You may think of it like a scaled system from 1 to 10 for example where 1 is closer to contentment, and 10 might be pure unbelievable ecstatic joy. What we’re actually seeking isn’t so much happiness, as a higher level of happiness.
How does happiness happen? Well, let’s think about when you were a little kid. Maybe you can remember a time when your mom or grandma or someone gave you a cookie, a candy, or a treat that made you happy, right? Now you may be a grown up adult and you could go to the store and buy a whole bag of cookies and they somehow don’t make you as happy anymore, do they? Why not? Why does the car you drive not make you happy anymore?
I’m sure you can think of many things in your life that made you happy once but no longer make you happy now, right?
Well, the reason for that is because NONE of those things made you happy! What? What do I mean by that? I mean that those things were not what made you happy. But you remember feeling happy right after you got the cookie, so if it wasn’t the cookie that made you happy, then what was it?
The answer is you. You made yourself happy.
See, we all live with built in, subconscious rules that we are brought up with and conditioned to live with. Those rules, running around in our heads is what decides not only whether we are happy or not, but also to what degree.
For example, when you were a kid you had rules like this:
- If I get a cookie, that means I’m very happy.
- If I get the telescope I want for my birthday, I will be very happy.
- If I score a goal in soccer, I will be happy.
- etc.
A lot of these rules are pre-conditioned into us by our parents, peers, teachers etc. We are kind of taught and shown what things we should be happy about and what things we should not be happy about.
As adults, we also have these rules, except they have changed a bit. For example, if you came to work today and had a HUGE grin on your face and were really happy, and just radiated a lot of joy and people asked you “Why are you so happy today?” and you told them “I found a matching pair of socks this morning!” they would think you’re crazy! This is because, as adults we have rules like:

- Winning one million in the lottery gives you permission to be happy for a year or two or until the money is gone
- Winning $10 in the lottery allows you to be happy anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours tops
- Getting a promotion means you can be happy for a few days, maybe a few weeks if the promotion comes with a big salary increase
- Getting a new car, you can be happy for a few days maybe a week

Most of us don’t permit ourselves to be happy just because we found a pair of matching socks.  So when you feel happy because of this, people feel annoyed, threatened, even sometimes angry that you are happy about something you’re “not supposed to” be happy about.

These are all rules that we live by, subconsciously without really thinking about them. The reality is though that NONE of these thing that happen, automatically turn on some switch in your head that makes you happy without your permission. These things just happen, they meet a rule and then YOU turn on the happiness button in your head and set the dial to whatever number you want.
This is what I discovered. I discovered that NONE of these things, events, places, or things actually made me happy! I realized that it’s ME that makes me happy, not these things. I just have a rule set in my brain that tells me when to turn on the happy button and when to turn it off.
If this was true, then why wouldn’t we just change our rules and always just be happy?
Well, the reason why most of us don’t choose to feel happy all the time is because we use happiness/unhappiness as leverage for us to achieve goals. Our parents use this happiness button to get us to do things, to learn things, to become someone etc. when we are children and we mimic this behavior as we grow up.

The reality is though that you have the power to feel happy right now, for NO reason. Meaning, you can actually turn on that happiness button and set it to whatever level of happiness right this second, this very moment, without satisfying any of the rules you’ve created for yourself!
I’ll go as far as saying that IF YOU DON’T LEARN TO BE HAPPY LONG TERM FOR NO REASON, YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY LONG TERM FOR ANY REASON.
You can be happy with your life, 100%, without changing anything in it right now, no matter what your circumstances. You may not want to choose to be happy for whatever reason, but you always have the choice to do so if you wanted to.
What about reaching goals, learning new things, achieving things in life? If I can be happy with my life the way it is right this second, then why would I want to do anything? Isn’t happiness the reward that I give myself for achieving what I want to achieve?
This is where I think the conditioning of our well-intentioned parents, teachers and mentors took us down the wrong path.  We try to use happiness as a bargaining chip to get things done. 

We might say to themselves “I will never be happy until I achieve _________” or “I will never be happy with myself until I lose ______ weight” or “I am not going to be happy until I have _________”

At first glance it seems logical. Why would you want to be happy with yourself right now for example if you are overweight? Why not tell yourself that you will not be happy until you achieve your ideal weight?  Won’t that increase your motivation to get off your butt and do something?�
No, and the reason is that the using happiness as a bargaining chip doesn’t work, at least not long term. You need to basically learn to make yourself happy right now no matter where you are in life, and still go after and achieve your goals.
For example, if you are overweight and want to lose weight you need to start saying to yourself:
“I am happy with my weight right now. I am happy with myself. I am happy with my life. I am happy, right now.”
Then you can set a goal and say: “I would like to achieve my ideal weight of ____lbs by _______” or written as an affirmation:
“I am now moving closer to my ideal weight of ____ lbs” for example.
If you become happy with yourself, happy with your weight, happy the way things are right now, it actually becomes easier to achieve your goals, not harder. I know this doesn’t sound logical, but it actually works.
Accept where you are right now and choose to feel happy about it, right now. Then choose to change whatever you’d like to change, and feel happy about the change as well. Throughout the process of changing, also give yourself permission to be happy, and once you get to the goal you achieved, also feel happy about it.
I know this doesn’t sound normal to behave this way but that’s only because we’re used to feeling not happy until we achieve something. We’ve been conditioned to live our lives this way but we can choose to change that conditioning.
Don’t be scared that if you become happy with your life as it is right now, that you’ll become lazy and unwilling to change anything because you are content. You will still have the exact same drive, in fact more drive, to become, get, and achieve things in life because of your happiness.
If you’re finding this hard to believe, try it out in one area of your life. For example with your health or relationships or finances or something of that sort. Become happy with where you are right now in that category of your life and see if you still achieve things in that category. You will find it strange that you actually start achieving more things in that category feeling happy then not feeling happy the minute you stop using happiness as a bargaining chip for achievement.
Paul

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